I Am Dieing...

Everyday every night the struggle

To keep my heart live,

To keep my eyes dry

To keep my soul alive

Sounds inside, Keep on telling me I die.

Like the tree with roots cut out of soil,

Like the fish out of water struggling alive,

Those moments I wished never died, now make me cry,

Those people in my heart, now make my world so dry,

Those letters in my mailbox, wish me goodbye,

Those images of u n my mind, like undone images of my eyes,

All tell me I die.

Hoping for the day I get back my life,

For the day I make those images alive,

For the day people make my world drive,

A smile to keep u happy, a cheer to wipe your tears goodbye

The wish to be alive but, still inside, my heart dies.

ya fused...

ya it is fused now bt dat time, it didnt fuse like i expected...


so now when i knew dat dere was no escape, i had to blabber smethng, blabbering dosnt always help...i thot i'll make up smethng, bt i dont knw y, mayb out f fear or just sheer love, i nvr found the courage to lie to her, so i finally said it...


i told her..." dis is not a question that i am asking..i like u a lot and would love to spend my entire life with u "...


so i said it, and waited for the worse to happen...nothng happened...all i saw was her smiling and saying, what should i say...


u know, guys r very good at assuming things...we have this tendency to see things and assume that we got the answers...so i assumed, i assumed that it was a yes and said u dont hav to say nythng, i told her dat i just wantd u to knw...ya dat was not a lie, i just wantd her to know...bt den i'll always b a guy so my guy sense concluded that its a yes...


i remember, aftr i had joined ma MBA, der was this professor who told the class, " assuming means to make an ass out of urslf "...assume = ass u me...so i guess now its clear, assuming means making an ass out of urslf nd dat was precisely what i did :)


bt den dat ass i made of maslf was so nice, dat feeling was so fulfilling, i wished i remained that ass throughout :)


ya but den m a human so cant be an ass throughout ma life...k once i had assumed a yes,der was dis courage i got, mayb coz of the assumption...i had this courage, like d feeling of being the incredible hulk who can rip opn a tank or mayb jump through continents, bt cummon m no incredible hulk, bt dat feeling....


i managed to just ask her one questn..." do u think i'll be able to keep u happy if i marry u? "...nd den i waited...


i waited for those beautiful lips, the likes i feel of jennifer lopez...nw i havent tried jennifers lips, neither hav i tried her's so i think its just so that u ppl knw dat i felt she was the most beautiful der existed...ya i waited for them to tell me a yes, coz as i said early ,we guys are really gud at making asses out of ourselves, bt den assumptions dont always b rite...


what she said was very diffrnt frm wht i ws expecting, bt ya i heard her say a yes at a point but dat was just a part of it....


the lips told me..." tony, the answer is a simple yes or knw, but i need time "...


ya time, bt der was no specific guideline given, i thot mayb she'll say " i'll tel u n a couple of days" bt nothng cme out aftr need time....


To be continued...


when u start liking someone, u never worry about the logical sense that it makes, will the families accept, is it a rational decision to like her...it just happens...u forget the world during those moments of joys, and try to find the entire universe in it...it feels like the day starts and ends with her, like u can live a zillion years just looking at her, like der's a god in her...

Things have changed...

i used to write dis blog about someone in my life, but i am afraid now i'll have to write it about someone who was in my life...i had stopped writing the blog because i felt whats the point in writing about someone who is not there with you, but now i realize, its not about whats happened now, its about sharing all those beautiful moments we shared, all those unforgettable memories, its about the bond that was so divine and blessed...its about that pure relation that just existed in our hearts...


Life is not about giving up, its about getting up and making your way...

Yes, i was wrong...

my way of getting out of the trouble, actually led me more into it...

the week that followed, she came to my city and on the day she was about to go asked me if i would like to accompany her...now i don't miss any chance of spending time with her, so how was i to miss this opportunity...

so, unaware of what was waiting for me in the trip i packed up, made reasons to people and ran to where we were to meet...

waiting for her was like waiting in the queue to get the ticket to your favorite starts show, u never feel the heat, the external factors never really matter because on the other side of waiting is that felling of joy, of victory, of happiness which fades these brief moments of pain... so, i waited with dreams reeling in my mind...

i was to accompany her in a bus journey so i started dreaming... common i didn't have anything to do other than that... if i didn't tell u, i was waiting alone... so i dreamed, like in movies when the hero and heroin are going for a ride and during the ride the heroin suddenly feels all sleepy and rests her head on the hero's shoulder and the guy's face lights up like a 100 watts bulb suddenly supplied with 300 watts of supply and still glowing... now if this happened to me i would have fired up like a 20 watts bulb with 600 watts supply... now, i don't know how all these things happen or what are the psychological reasons behind them, but the dream itself felt so nice... 

so dreaming, dreaming, dreaming... Tony? !!!

Ya thats what my friends call me and sometimes thats what she likes calling me... so now the dream broke and i don't think i need to explain on how it broke...

so there she was standing, lit up like an angel. she was so beautiful, i would have kept staring at her if it wasn't for her strong stare... did i tell u? i am scared of her, ya m scared of her.... reasons for which are unknown...

so, because i was scared i stopped staring and she smiled... her smile is like that best food supplement that will keep your energy levels high for like the next 72 hrs...

we ran around looking for the bus we were to board and fortunately or unfortunately we found one... we boarded the bus and started our journey...

now she was with me so i was talking and talking... but back of my head was this prayer going "god when is she gonna sleep, i'll light 10 candles if she sleeps, ok 100 candles or maybe 1000s, just make her sleepy" ... the motive was, she feels sleepy then she rests her head on my shoulders and then background music plays " Pyaar hua, ikraar hua hai, pyaar se phir kyun darta hai dil" and then the 20 watts lights up at 600 watts...

but, great she didn't sleep, she was not even close to feeling sleepy... so we continued and then out of nowhere like a lightning bolt to heart came the question " tony what is it that u wanted to tell but couldn't tell and were waiting for the right time, u promised you'll tell " .... this is the typical case of when a yes means u kill me and a no means i'll die of a heart attack...

for me it was like someone had shot the bus driver and the bus was out of control, at-least my journey was now out of my control...

i had no clue what to say, but somewhere deep in my heart i had this feeling "Its now or never"... so, now when u have such a strong statement coming from your heart u tend to act courageously, so thats what i did.. i acted, like there was nothing, and oh did i tell u she's stubborn... oh yes she's so stubborn, its like she has an anchor attached to her going like 6000 ft below the ground and anchoring her decision, u can't make her change the decision or whatever it is... so now i was there stuck without having a clue on what to do...

i knew that i'll have to tell her something otherwise i'll be in big time trouble, so i made up my mind to tell her...

so, now i gathered all the courage i had with some more courage and like a fierce dragon unleashing its wrath on the person in front started talking... at-least thats what i thought, but it took me some time to realize that i thought i was talking but i had no voice coming out of my mouth, so, what i was doing was acting dumb, my lips were moving but nothing was coming...

i think she understood my situation, she said " either you tell me what it is or we don't talk all through the journey"...

so here i was with the dream of a 20 watt bulb glowing at 600 watt, which had now become a nightmare with the potential to get fused.... 

To be continued....   

Contd...

The heart always used to say

" when are you gonna tell her? " den my mind used to say, u can't tell her, u shouldn't tell her...

it was a mess, the girl i liked the most was there with me, so close to me, but here i was with my mind always saying

" its wrong, you're gonna suffer if u say it"

so i decided to listen to my mind, i thought it was gonna be easy, but it was not easy as i had thought it to be...

Everytime i talked to her, there was this feeling, this voice that constantly kept telling me, its now or never...

I at times even had thought of things in my mind, but when i used to think about how she's gonna feel if i do the same as all her friends do, what will she do?, maybe she'll stop talking to me, maybe she'll think i am not her friend.... so i swallowed all that i thought down my throat...

days passed i was always struggling... Struggling to be quiet, struggling to keep my heart from blowing apart, den out of nowhere like a ray of light in the darkest of nights i got the idea of writing things to her, things that will make her feel happy, things that will help me in an indirect way tell her how much she meant to me...

so i started writing, writing poems... poems that would make her happy, poems that will tell her how much she means to me... 

writing them down was like the only thing i liked doing, doing it for her used to give me that beautiful feeling, the feeling that no word has ever helped me define...

i used to feel every part of it, i used to be lost in my poems... in that world i always had her with me... she was my darling angel...i could play with her, spend time with her, talk to her for hours and still she wouldn't b angry :)

i used to send her some of my poems, the others i felt were too direct and never really sent them...

i wished that someday she'll know how much i like her, how much i love her...

Days kept passing and i just kept on writing more and more, kept loving her more and more...  

once i sent her a poem and a few word in it were too direct i suppose, so she asked me. i was scared and had no clue on how to react... i just said that maybe someday when we meet, maybe that day i'll tell you...

when i said this, what i had in my mind was that she dosn't meet me often, so its gonna take a while for us to meet, so maybe by that time she would have forgotten about the poem i wrote her...

but i was wrong....

To be Continued.....

Who's Mimmu?

"She's the only light in the dark nights i have"


Ok to start off with she's the most beautiful i have ever seen, she is like the only reason i feel This world is nice, she's d only motive for me to survive.


i met her 2 yrs back, but those were in difficult circumstances so i wasn't really interested in talking to her or spending time with her. i knew her that was just it. i used to call to her mobile to talk to a friend of mine. 


so we were just hi hello's. on a dark night of march somewhere around 8.30pm ma mobile rings.i c a msg and it went like this...


"Today's ma B'day, u still have time, f u want u can wish me" nd dats how everything started :)


 It was a magical message, i had never received any message like this :? then i called back, wished her, we talked and then kept d phone.


So den we started talking... i started calling more often, and i used to call not to talk to my friend but more to talk to her :)


We became good friends... She was very nice and caring, but then there were some problems, as all of us know good things don't come that easily... she had many good friends who also liked her... it wasn't their fault, who wouldn't want someone as beautiful and nice as her in their lives...


So i was there as a friend, she wouldn't really share anything that she felt with me... it was as if there was a big wall dividing her from me and she wouldn't let the gates of the walls open... so i waited...i needed to be patient... then one day she started talking, she told me a few of her problems... the gates had finally opened :)


i felt nice because it meant a lot to me... we became much better friends :)


Until then i still wasn't in the state of liking her so much, i just liked her as a good friend... she was one of the best friends i had ever had... she was nice, understanding, caring... she was all dat anyone could ever ask for...


After 8 months of knowing her i started liking her, but then i was scared to let her know... i knew her enough to know that she wouldn't like it... she was always worried about her friends falling for her, so i was scared...i really didn't have a clue on what i should be doing? :(


To be continued..........